When I think about venturing out to see something beautiful
irl or in a video game, I often feel inspired to do so.

This inspiration is often short lived as memories pop up of
previous times when I ventured out to have such an experience.

I would go out and think, yeah this is what life is about.
Then…Someone would come along and make me feel like I was
lacking in some way, or ignore or down play my expression
of love for the experience. This made me feel… basically
like I wasn’t good enough to be where I was.

Basically like if you drive a super nice car and enjoy it. Then
someone comes along and says, it’s not even yours.

Someone downplaying the significance of you being happy.
It can sometimes make someone feel that they are lacking. Like
they aren’t powerful enough to be worthy of enjoying themselves.

Or like they are down playing the significance, the goodness of
me simply enjoying myself. Like it’s not important that I
enjoy myself.

There was so much favoritism back when I was in daycare and elementary
school, I often had my curiosity, enjoyment, and awe, subbed in
favor of someone else. Someone the guardians felt was more
important. So it was more important that that person enjoy
themselves, than me.

Unless I did something to become important.

Check this out. You find a really cool and beautiful place and
go there to hang out. Then you tell your friends about it and they
just say, oh that place, I’ve been there. Oh ok I guess it’s not
that important that I experienced then? No of course it still is,
obviously though, not to those guys.
Then what if one of them says, oh I was actually the first one to
discover the place, I showed everyone else.
Wow, then it’s like, the energy is taken from you and given to him
for he found it, almost like he invented it, like he owns it.
His pseudo ownership gives him all the significance of that
place in the eyes of others.
It almost becomes a part of his identity in the eyes of others.
But not part of yours(not that it mattered), and it becomes
completely insignificant that you experienced the place because
you don’t own it.
Realize that it doesn’t matter how many people have done something
before you, it is still significant that you do it, even if it
is somehow not significant to them that you enjoy yourself
(maybe they are not that cool).

Now I’m older I get it. They were in that scarcity mindset and
the whole system is based on scarcity and war. Well it’s up to
me to decide how important my enjoyment is.

And how important power is.

I live to enjoy, power is only important as it helps me enjoy.

Or I would be hanging out with some people and a song I love comes
on. Someone says, that’s so and so’s song. Well what about me.
I love the song, is that not important. That seems to be the jist
of it.

So someone else suddenly semi-owns the song and it becomes
significant to them and not me. As far as anyone else around me
at the time felt. Kinda makes me feel lousy.

well the 1st time I thought to play eve online I still have the
need for high self esteem. SO I thought about playing the game from
both views, love, and power. For this reason, I was presented with
the lack I would have going into the game, at least from the view
of the other players. I would go into the game being nothing
special. There might even be player constructed rules about
where I can go or who owns what. This would suck for self-esteem
if I wanted to play the game like it was where I belonged and
own my experience.

However I think a lot of this stemmed from the ego. Wanting to play
in a beautiful world as a significantly beautiful person in that world.
That is met be the resistance of all the other players who do not see
you as significant, and probably as lacking.

Either that or I just though about the possibility of having to share
the beautiful experience with someone who doesn’t like me and/or
has a bad attitude in general. Then not only could I be made to feel
lacking, they could just ruin the whole experience for me.
I think part of me wanted to make a rule that you had to be good to a
certain extend, maybe whatever it took so that I would respect the
person, I guess that would include them being a good person. Then
I would feel ok sharing something so beautiful with that person.
Cause in Eve online I wouldn’t be able to chose who will be in the
environment including who controls it. At least not when I first start
playing. So I set a standard of self worth needed to feel worthy of
the environment. I did this for other places too, not just(if even)
even online.
Any beautiful environment, I would look at it and say, one say, when
I am the shit, I can hang out here and no one can tell me shit.
I don’t have to own it, just be the shit so I can’t be made to feel
badly in any way.

Anyways, now I am done worrying about what others will think/do as
I set out to experience the beauty in life. I don’t need to earn
the right to experience beauty. No one does. If someone wants to
fight me over some small scrap of it they can have it, there is an
abundance, more than enough for all, including that yet to be created
but I don’t have to have created something to rightfully enjoy it.
It is significant just that I enjoy it. Significant to me. If me going
down this path helps others then it is significant for them too but
that is not very important, to me.

However, If I go into the game just to enjoy myself, and value my enjoyment
for itself and ignore any expressions of lack/insignificance of
someone else, I would thoroughly enjoy myself.

Not trying to be something “special” because I don’t need to, because
the world doesn’t need it, because there is no lack. If I am anything,
it will be a creator of what I want. I only have to be “special” as far as
it helps me do that.

If what I want includes helping or helps others, lucky for them.

There is no lack or insignificance in my enjoyment.


The worst thing for a child’s self esteem is being raised
by an adult who makes the child feel responsible for the
adults happiness or society’s happiness, in anyway.

This is what gives the child a sense of self lack.

If the child was aloud to live by what they themselves wanted,
they would be able to focus on what makes them happy, including
what ever skills they need to learn.

Not only do parents and guardians make the child feel like they
have an inherit lack needing to be filled. They can make the child feel
like it’s whats best for the child that they feel that lack until(and often
even after) they achieve whatever goal it is that they are made to feel
is valuable.

Then the child grows up thinking that whatever society holds as
valuable must be what is right for them, and if they don’t have
it, they are lacking.

A good portion of my successes in life have come from me just
doing what I wanted.

I would even go as far as to say it’s cool to want to be someone
special, but it should be in a way that you love, not in
a way that others will love.

If you base your goals for self improvement on what others think
is important instead of you, you will be working out of a sense of lack.

That is because for someone else to have a need for you to be something
is for them to not be taking responsibility for themselves, which leads
to lack because they remove the only power in their lives, themselves,
out of the equation. They expect you to give them what they need.
that is lack. Expecting someone else to provide for you, that is, not
believing and seeing that you can provide for yourself.

Once you decide not to believe in other peoples standards of who you
are, and once you decide that you can provide abundantly for yourself, you
don’t feel lack.

Then if you want to be more, it should be because you feel it’s cool, not
to please anyone else. Your job is not to please anyone else, regardless
of if they express a sense of lack in you by not giving attention. You
are not lacking. Therefore never work out of a sense of lack. Only work
towards what you want. What you think is cool.

Should you need to be better than anyone else? If you want, but then
you shouldn’t feel lack for not being better than them, you should
only feel excitement at the possibilities of improving beyond them.

Also, you should not see lack in anyone else, because if you are in
abundance, you know that they also have abundance. If they are
surviving, if they are alive, they re abundant, and can figure out
how to be happy or better, ect. Even if they suck at everything in
life, they are still not lacking. They just aren’t because there just
is not lack. There isn’t shit to run away from. There is shit to run towards.

You see it, so you know it’s there. If they see you running towards it,
hopefully they will too. However, even if they don’t.. there is just no
looking down on others or even feeling sorry for them because you don’t see
lack, you see them taking responsibility for themselves in some way. Even if
it’s in a sucky way. Life lives.

so there can be competition, but not being the best or even better
than someone who sucks, shouldn’t mean lack.
There can be striving to improve, but where you are now shouldn’t be

You work towards what you want in life, and if other people like it
that’s great, but if they don’t, that shouldn’t mean lack.
Also, when looking at and judging others therefore, seeing them
suck at one or all things in life, also shouldn’t mean lack.

So I work towards more things I want,
More of who I want to be,
out of my own personal love, not at all for the recognition of
anyone else.
Al the while loving who I am and the things I have.
All the while seeing only abundance in others as it relates to them,
not at all judging people based on how they can help me.
Loving people who I connect with and who I can share my loves with.
That is about their love and my love coming together. No Lack,
no needing to be impressed.

SO the focus on abundance kind of needs ignoring lack to be
fully embraced it seems. Or no, it just helps the understanding
of what abundance is and the areas I need it.

SO all that idolizing and seeking fame is not important. It’s
like an expression of scarcity.

For one person to be famous means everyone else becomes less worthy
of attention. It means, no one else can do it but them so worship.
To seek fame, attention, means you feel lacking if you don’t have it.

Abundance is, I can make myself happy, and it’s my responsibility,
I’ll do it, and I’ll do it for me.

Make all variables cool names is a small start.
Give a cool background image.
create an imaginary company that is cool and from eve online.

What if I was doing transmission line analysis.

I could make the lines transmit something cool.
Use cool colored wires.
write in a cool font.
have a calculator that makes cool sounds.
have cool music playing in background or in head.
superimpose futuristic coolness like eve online, over the work.
Work with other people.
Work with hot girls around.
…if this was a class lab, I could suggest a role play concept
to work with, and solve all problems with that concept in mind.
Example, find length of whatever for whatever coil or whatever?
Create a small back story with the calculation as very important.
Use cool colors for all wires. Cool fonts for all writing.
Write on cool paper. Transmit something cool over the frequency,
cool as in a very specific frequency number, “911khz”for an
in bad taste example.

Take a picture of the spectrometer and Photoshop it to look
cooler and for the actual waves to be a cooler color.

Think of other cooler uses for this measurement.
Is it used in anything else that is cool?
How can u use this concept to make something beautiful?
Can you create a filter or affect sound in someway?
What about images or video?
Can you create anything very powerful using this.

There, and transmission line theory was so boring for me.

That was 20min worth of brainstorming, or less.

Remember, the idea of adventure point and click didn’t even
come to me on my own, I had to see it online to remember/think of
it. So imagine how many other ways I could make transmission line
theory fun and beautiful if given the time.

The problem is people just assume it can’t be fun. It can though, the
whole process can be turned into one giant work of art, if you
only have the winning attitude, and figure out how.

Infinite possibilities for overcoming any situation. That is just
reality as it can’t really be proven other wise.

So beyond just having hope for what you want, is the hope that
you can create things you want, out of things you don’t even
want. Making work fun. Of course you still want the initial things
you wanted more if they were worth while to begin with, but
the work can be fed love to the point that it is enjoyable enough
to be done with zeal as well.

I think this love and beauty can be applied to every area of life.
However, I also not that if there is a negative situation, like
danger or unhealthy atmosphere, it should be dealt with using
intelligence not fear. Relaxed intelligence. Negative situations
don’t need to be met love, that is for the mundane, not the
unhealthy. Well if you can do beauty, love, smart and relaxed, to
beat something negative then more power. It’s past my bed time.

Now I realize that just deciding to have fun is not

I know making music can end with something beautiful.
That still is’nt always enough to drive me to create
any. Days like today, the only way I can find fun
easily is with the most passive of pursuits.The
easiest wins. SO I watched like 3 farscape episodes
and enjoyed most minutes of it.

WHen it comes to active fun though, I don’t have that
energy. WHy is that. WHat is keeping me from having
it. Well I’m sure changing my sleeping pattern
as well as the overtraining I did yesterday and the
fasting today have something to do with it.

However these things happen. I’d rather not have to
“pack it in” and wait for a better day to try
again. That does’nt seem ideal or powerful or

I also feel like if I was with freinds I would be
able to have more fun, but then it is the same
passive thing again. The freinds bring the fun to me.

My solution is chosing mini goals, so small you just
have to do it once. Then so easy you can’t do it just

I remembered this as I was thinking about discipline
as the factor I needed. However, mini-goals are more
in the realm of fun as well. I’ts like a seed of
active fun. Pop one bubble of bubble wrap is the seed.
Eat one chip.Seed.

I can also so with confidence from
my research that the seed process is
dopamine dependant. This leads me to believe that
I am running on less dopamine than usual and I
assume it’s mostly over training by doing
forced reps of dead lifts 5×5 yesterday.

So this is’nt the same as forcing myself do to
something out of hatred. This is more about forcing
myself to do something because I realize I don’t feel
like doing anything and know this is not healthy and
needs to be dealt with right now.

Then it is also about the general fun factor of
active fun / creation, that needs to be facilitated
by the seed of a mini goal.

It’s for the sake of love and fun, it’s not forcing
myself to work only for money. It’s pushing myself
gently into a fun-positive state so I can be
productive towards goals I beleive in.

Also , I will use prioreties, setting the work as highest.
SO I would say, I only have to do one mini goal, but the
max I can do is 8 hrs of work. Aswell, until I reach 8 hr,
I wont work on anything that is not that goal, because
it has priorety. Once done the 8hrs, I move to the thing
with next highest priorety, lets say mandarin.

mini-goal:entertainment intervals, as short or long as
is fun and rewarding.

Is this a maintainable and productive lifestyle?
We shall find out! 20/05/2013

plus: Triggers – environmental reminders of goals, helps

Plus: keeping creation and connect/consume , in different
micro goals.

Plus: be patient so that micro goals can be satisfying.

low dopamine = anxiety
high dopamine = goal oriented

therefore low d = work away from what you don’t want
high d = work towards what you want

I wonder, if you have lo d , can u increase it by
working towards what you want, or having that mindset
even though it runs opposite to how you feel.

the easy way to do this would be with micro goals.

Active mindfulness. Work towards what you want in
the moment. instead of towards long term goals.
(but still in their context)

Acheiving micro goals increase dopamine and you become
more goal oriented.

Mindfulness itself is proven to increase dopamine.

So I think how far into the future you can aim
depends on starting dopamine, and the dopamine that
aim produces.

however, with long term goals, the brain often
loses dopamine on the way to the goal if it’s
long term.

With a goal like learning a language, at first the
dopamine is high and I can cram, but then it goes
away as it is too long without achievement.

Micro goals is the opposite. Constant achievement.

So Micro goals are a good way to get someone from
a point where they are working only away form what they
don’t want, to working towards what they do.

Micro goals are in that way, therapeutic, as well as

The Pokemon Lifestyle
(Paragraph three is summary)

I grew up with pokemon. A show about a guy names Ash who had a long term goal of becoming a pokemon master. A goal with an intentionally vague meaning apparently. Here’s the thing. I didn’t sit down t every episode waiting for him to become a pokemon master. If I did that, I would be disappointed every episode until he got there. I watched every episode to experience his daily adventure.

Every episode was a new adventure, he was gaining something amazing in every episode. A new pokemon, a new friend, new information. Something cool. I’m not sure if his journey has ever came to an end and I don’t remember watching a “last episode” and the show is still airing new eps I think.

Don’t worry this post is me just saying I should enjoy the journey. The thing is Ash’s journey was non stop winning, every episode and often seemed to be by chance although he was willing to do whatever it took to win. I think in real life, people have to create their own daily wins. If I can create a big win every day(in the direction of some long term goal is even better) then I am enjoying the journey. However, that daily win needs to be big and it needs to be big independent of any long term goal it may relate to. The long term goal is just icing on the cake of life. Life is it’s own ultimate win made up of consciousness and daily(hourly) winning.

This idea of having daily goals, daily wins, I think is a very important part of enjoying the journey. It kinda relates to mindfulness because I think when the goal’s completion time is short enough I think it’s easy to become absorbed and in the present. Where as the longer it will take to achieve, the more stressful and the less engaging the goal will be.

There are some long term goals that automatically produce nice short term achievements. For me, working out gives me a nice “pump”. It’s an achievement, I finish the workout noticeably bigger than when I started. Also I feel good. Also, every set of an excessive is an even shorter goal that gives a small pump and small feeling of achievement.

Not all long term goals have this innate thing though. Some times I have to chose to create value for myself in the short term in the direction of a long term goal. I could learn a new language by memorizing 10 000 sentences. Or I could write a poem in the languages using a dictionary, and put it online for people to read. Then write a speech, then translate something, then write a song and sing it and make a video and put it on youtube. ect ect. Just separate individual goals, creating value for myself every day.

The long term goal is just a path, I still have to walk the path. The walking of the path is my life, my consciousness, with out it, there are no goals.

Ok, another example. Lets say someone had an office job for a year and wants to get in awesome shape. They could eat all things they don’t like and run on a hamster wheel 4 times a week and do the same lifts 3 days a week for 6 months. Or they could: Make one health adjustment to their diet. Beat someone of equal skill in a sport. Reduce their bad cholesterol by one point. Make another health adjustment. Learn one more skill in a sport. Learn an Olympic lift. Increase the weight they lift for one lift.

Anyways, knowing what Ash’s adventures were like, let’s say I wanted to be a pokemon master. If I had the choice to either snap my fingers and be a pokemon master(fast forwarding through the journey or hamster wheeling it), or go through his adventure and at the end be a pokemon master…

Well let’s analyze the choices. If I snapped my fingers and fast forward to the part where I was a pokemon master, sure that’s cool, but would I have met Brock, Misty, Pichachu? Would we have defeated team rocket a billion times? Would I have seen bulbasaurs secret forest? Would I have met the squirtle gang? Would I have met the ghosts in lavender town? Would I have even been to lavender town, sapphire city, vermillion city? Would I even know those were names of colors? Would Even been out my front door? Nope, cause that was all stuff Ash did on the journey.

I would chose to go on the adventure, for the adventure it’s self. So what is a pokemon master. Apparently this was left up to the imagination of the viewers. http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pok√©mon_Master
I imagine “pokemon master” might actually be a way to describe someone who is enjoying the journey of becoming a pokemon master, or enjoying the journey to any long term goal.

AT first I didn’t want to get into game programming, I just
wanted to do programming as a job and that’s it.

Now though I learn that the best way to show employers your skill
in programming is to have done projects. I realize at some point
I am going to have to create something.

Then I realized, I have awesome ideas in many other areas and if
I could incorporate them into some games the games would be awesome.

The I realized, I don’t play games but it’s not so much that I’m
not a gamer maybe, it might be more that I just don’t like the
games that are out now. They are all the same. I can fix that

Also the fact that games are a lot more fun with other people
usually. However FF7 and and especially 10 were games I played on
my own and they were amazing.

These games were more than just games, they told stories,
made political points, displayed different psychological

Zelda ocarina of time was awesome in a different way. It was simply
awe inspiring.

I know a lot about psychology and what makes things fun, and
if I could all my knowledge into making cool games, even just as
projects, it would be worth my time I think.

SO what is/are the moral(s) of this story as far as career searching

Well one is that with most professions there are probably many
ways to spin the profession into something you would

another is that when it comes to learning and maybe human advancement
as a whole, it’s important once you are surviving, to make whatever
it is you chose to do, fun.

Another is as an INTP it is probably super important to work with
mediums of expression like language, math, programming, instead
of simply one specialty, because we are innovators, we connect
concepts and as long as we have a powerful medium we can create
great things.

Also, learning about a medium through creating great and fun things
is probably better than simply learning about the medium for it’s
self, as a slog.

Also, programming is one medium but then games are a medium within
that medium and games encompasses writing, music, visuals, ect. So many
others put together. So I guess you could call it a Poly-medium.
Another poly-medium would be movies and tv shows, another one
would be comic-books even. These mediums put many other mediums of expression
together allowing for even more creative options. That is amazing I think.