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Relationships and Social Skills

The card game Magic: The Gathering is a man made thing, a trading card game. It isn’t the kind of game like sports that can be easily related to an innate urge for physical dominance. Its a strategic game with a story line and artwork. I first learn of this game in grade three when a few classmates started playing it. This game brought me into a whole other world of social interaction with the other children in my class as well as being extremely educational for reading skills and thinking skills. I went through periods of obsession over this game because for me with my inadequate social skills for reasons I will discuss in other posts, This was one of my only ways of getting respect and social interaction with other human beings for the 6-8 hours I spent in school.
I did OK once I got my parents to buy me some cards but my parents didn’t have a lot of money to spend on what they saw as a trivial card game. Its not the parents fault that money becomes a a kind of prerequisite to human interaction among kids in school, although this is often the case. Often who ever has the coolest toys is most popular in primary school. Anyways, eventually girls came into the picture and MTG went out because most girls don’t value strategy games.
Now however, I have bigger concerns than girls. I need to be true to myself, and love myself, and I need to have social interaction with people that value the same things I do. I could start clubbing, or become a gym rat and meet people there but besides liking girls and exercising, I would have nothing in common with those gentlemen. Magic: The Gathering thus, seems to be like a missing link in my life. It combines so many of the elements I value, art, creative writing, thinking skills, social interaction. This combination of elements, and people who value this combination, is hard to find anywhere else, and so I am starting to think MTG would be categorized as a passion for me. One of many, but a core one. So its strange because when people talk about finding your passion, most people think it would be something like music or cars or sports, something big and core to the human experience. MTG is pretty abstract, even for a game. Most of it deals with fictional elements, magic, which is the first level of abstraction. Next is the fact that it is printed on paper, or played online, which is another level of abstraction. I’m sure many people had no trouble seeing MTG as a true passion of theirs but I had always assumed it couldn’t be something that seemed so trivial. Now writing it on paper I can see that it isn’t trivial at all. A lot of my childhood development happened through this game, as well there is a lot in this specific game to love. Another thing that kept me avoiding this game was that back in primary school Christian parents complained that anything to do with magic was bad, that it was a sin basically, even a game. I didn’t buy into it at first because consciously I knew how stupid it was. It’s not real magic, like its not witchcraft. However it did affect me, it was a scary thought and so it had an affect and so it became like a superstition for me like black cats and ladders. It never stopped me from playing if I wanted to, it was just something in the back of my mind. Maybe when I wondered about what my passions would be, MTG was never aloud to be considered for this reason as well as for the fact that it seemed trivial as well as for the fact that it seemed materialistic. Logic and love over fear, everyone. If I haven’t already, I will write a post on Materialism VS Art VS possessiveness.

I really value constant development and always learning more. Imo that is the best side of ourselves. The healthy side. The growing side. The living side.

For example if you like to act silly naturally, if you just have that urge, and if people object, then be the side of yourself that would want to know why the f they don’t see things the way you do. Then you might see what I described in my last post.

So maybe, I’m not sure yet, but maybe people should try something like what kenny werner describes in the Master class for jazz improvising and playing. [When you are performing, so when you have an audience, a social thing, other people listening to you, love everything you play and don’t be attached to the outcome. Perform only the things you know you can perform. Then when you are by yourself, practice what you think you most need to practice. Learn more and grasp the concepts fully so that they flow out of you naturally in performance.]

So some of this may not be completely applicable but I like the idea of loving yourself and everything that comes out of you. This way you maintain your humanity, your human love energy that will flow into everything you say an do socially. You’ll be you, and in this way you will deliver true information to other human beings, in it’s truest form. Its like in the Celestine prophecy when one character was saying that when people direct their love at you, your words flow effortlessly and make more sense and you may even have epiphanies yourself. What I am discussing here is kinda the same expect you get that energy from yourself through true love of yourself. Be social this way and the people that are feeling you, the people like where your coming from and where your headed, will stick around. The rest might not which is their responsibility to themselves cause they need to find their best sources of information. But they will respect you no matter what, cause they know you respect yourself.
Then when in private, or just when you are the audience yourself, learn more, still not judging how good you are or how good you should be, just that your learning more and therefore growing more. Growing more is good, cause it means more living.

 

I was a silly kid growing up. I got shunned by other kids
and sometimes even my parents for it. I eventually repressed the desire
to express that side of my self and have been living with a part of me missing
ever since. Until now. And I’m writing this for me and for anyone else who
has gone through any of what I just described. I found the 2 reasons people
don’t like that silliness sometimes(besides if they are just in a mood which
could be often depending on who you are around).

Reasons:

1. The silliness/acting is out of context
[A kids natural silliness, a repertoire of selected phrases
and or actions, usually comes from tv movies ect and
is acted out because of this raw urge to act. Silliness
is a raw form of the urge to express emotion and or get a laugh.
These kids have that natural drive to be actors and comedians but acting
and comedy are hard ideas for kids to fully grasp so they often
fail a lot, and with the proper coaching will eventually learn to repress
those natural urges to fit in with society.]

2. The silliness/acting is not understood to be just acting and because its so fluid, it’s mistaken for real.
[Especially with as a kid with kids as my audience,
but even into early adulthood, people often can’t tell that
I’m acting because it comes so easily. Unless I am on stage, or
I tell them ahead of time, or they know me and how I am, there is
a chance they will think I’m serious and obviously that could
make things very weird for everyone involved. Picture someone
pretending to be mad in a way they have seem done on tv
that was funny, but people start begging the person to calm down.
Not cool.]

 

I have the knowledge now
to know that it wasn’t the silliness that was unwanted, but
the out of context silliness. Its really only silly if it has no
relationship to the situation. If it does have relation to the
situation, its called acting. This was and is my natural urge.
To act out emotions either what I feel or just what I feel to act like I feel.
Act out something funny without the context behind it and its
just silly. Act out something funny with the context behind it
and its hilarious.

I want to have humor in my life and the life of people I care
about. I also want to be able to be silly like what used to
come natural before I was felt the need to repress it.
The humor will be the outlet for my natural acting urge
that would otherwise be repressed.

Act like the main guy in transformers when he is real upset
about something that you would only be a bit upset about,
out of context, and its silly. In context and its funny.

Its about acting like someone with an obvious flaw, either
they get angry(sometimes to disruptive to be funny)
too easy or scared too easy ect, but within the context
that would bring out that flaw in that character, and the
audience has to know you are acting.

So recap:  mistakes you gotta watch out for

Acting as if you have that flaw without the context and its silly.
Acting as if you have the flaw without the audience knowing
your acting and they’ll just think your weird.

I have done a lot of both of those mistakes but now I know
that they are mistakes, that you have to realize the audience
might not know what you know, and you have to make sure they
do before you perform. Know you audience.

Now that I know this and realize now that this is probably part
of why I’ve been unable to be myself around people, I can
fix the problem.

Now this form of acting is kinda self deprecating even if it is
funny. If I only play these types of roles,
I may eventually seem that way to my audience. that way only
as opposed to who I am which I can now say with confidence is
not simply someone who overreacts to things or acts like
he does. I am someone worthy of respect.
So how do can I balance the self deprecating side of my humor.
Simple. Point out with humor, the flaws in others as well.

If someone asks you a stupid question or does something stupid
do a bit of cocky funny thing. Show them you know when they
are being stupid. This increases your value immensely in their
eyes cause now they know you’re a critical think which you
should be. and the cocky funny thing is acting too. It doesn’t
even have to be cocky funny, it should depend on the situation.
If someone is being cocky with you or rude then you can be cocky
funny or just let them know subtly that rudeness is unbecoming
of them.

If they say something stupid out of ignorance then be funny in a
kinda way, through acting. Maybe pretend to be a teacher who is
slightly disappointed. Ect.

This full spectrum of humor should make you more valuable to
others as well as more able to express yourself and love yourself
which would also make you more valuable to others.

That is, if you are the type that is naturally silly.

Have you every noticed that in movies and in TV shows, most of the common stereotypical characters have an outstanding command of the English language. Obvioulsy its all a script and the script writers can but days and days into the lines to make them as punchy and intelligent as possible. Also when you read the newspaper and other journals, you probably notice that the language is levels above what is commonly spoken. However when you read and watch this media, you don’t feel put off by it. It actually grabs your interest and garners a certain respect. These are people who have mastered the social skill of speaking their minds.

I feel like a limiting factor for me and possibly a lot of people as for as being more social is being able to express yourself optimally in your language. You might be really smart, you might have a lot of knowledge in a vast range of subjects, but if you can’t express your self properly verbally and/or in writing, a lot of people will judge you based on how you seem. You will seem less intelligent with a smaller vocabulary. Even if this is not true, think of what is true. Is it true that you are unable to get your thoughts across to another human being in a way that is easily understood. This should be important to you. I used to think that it was just because they weren’t trying hard enough to understand me or that they were lazy or stupid. Then however I noticed how I found greater enjoyment reading and listening to people who could express themselves clearly. Its just more efficient and therefore takes less energy for a listener or reader when the person speaking or writing is sending the message clearly,  with more appropriate more expressive vocabulary, and with charm and wit.

Also how you organize what you say. You could have amazing command of vocabulary but if you can’t organize your thoughts properly before you speak it will seem and often may be the case that you have a lot of “thought clutter” keeping you from speaking in an organized manner. It would help in this case to organize your whole life, write down all those thoughts that are running rampant in your mind and organize them, file them lol, so you can be free to think more efficiently. Not less creatively, just with more of what you do want, and less of what you don’t.

If you get the impression that people are underestimating your intelligence and you think it has to do with your sociability you should work on it. Work on writing like essays and stuff where you have to organize your thoughts. Read to learn vocab and for examples of how to form sentences. Also learn any other social skills you are missing.

Maybe even use an SRS to remember the best way to word your most important values for if it comes up in conversation.

In my opinion missing social skills is a sign that the community your grew up in failed you in the way that they didn’t impart upon you the skills needed to socialize. That could only be done by them not socializing enough with you. You need to get yourself up to speed in any areas your community didn’t automatically give. Either that your its about your thoughts being unorganized and you should fix that. Or its both and you need to fix both. After this you will be valuable as a member of society who can impart these skills to someone else.

When you have people in your life that try to break you down emotionally. If it is actually getting to you, you gotta move to the ultimate strategy.

Build yourself up in everyway.

The Ultimate goal of this process is to make you invinsible. Basically if this were a video game your goal would be to have infinite Health points. So any emotional damage someone tries to do to you will be equal to 1/infinity or zero. In order to get to this level you need to work on every aspect of your life. Be working on these aspects at all times. Should be easy if the problem has got to the point where you in a constant state of brooding.

Health, fitness, emotional, knowledge, wealth, relationships, everything.

Start from the most important and put the most effort into the most important things and least effort into least important things.

So in order of importance in my opinion

health – physical health affects everything else aswell (Eat right, sleepright , excersise right)

emotional – your emotional strength needs to go through the roof for this strategies utimate purpose

fitness- this wil help you emotional well being as well

(spiritual) – if you believe in that kinda thing can be a tremendous help emotionally

knowledge – well you reading this for the knowledge, its important

relationships – meet other positive people once this thing is rolling and you can support each other

and reach new hieghts.

Art/beauty – Beauty automatically lifts spirits (music, nature, fashion)

Wealth- will open doors for you in all the areas above. Some wealth is absolutly nessesary, how much depends on where you live.

Avoid and Ignore the negative – if its something you can’t walk away from, and if trying to deal with the negative person head on will just make it worse, you need to avoid and ignore. Also, the longer you stay in a poisonous environment the worse you will become. Make sure the 5 people you are around the most are positive people.

Basically there are maybe two types of people. People who are biased towards positive mental states, and people biased towards negative states. The pos poeple could turn neg and the neg could turn pos, under circumstances but everyone seems to be somewhere on a pos neg scale emotionally. Positive people are happy and loving to others and healthy. Negative people are unhappy, un loving or even hating of others, and usually unhealthy in some way. So being positive can be seen as health, strength, and life. Being negative can be seen as illness, weakness and death.

The goal of this strategy is to make you the most positive posible. A 10 on a scale of -10 to +10. or an infinity on a scale of -infinity to +infinity. The goal is to be so positive and emotionally healthy, that any little thing someone could do would be equal to about zero damage to you. Once you achieve this level you will be happy.

This method is kinda self serving, but you need to be self serving if you ar’nt healthy. And you need to be self serving to a certain extent to stay healthy. And you need to be healthy to be able to help other people. I don’t think being a monk and runnng away from all your problems and relationships or being a selfless zombie or being an eye for an eye type. I believe that everyone should get to a level where they are exceptionally healthy and have excess positive energy left over which will motivate them to help others. So this is as much a way of life as it is a strategy for dealing with difficult people.

I created this strategy because I feel it is the best one to use for situations like mine where the person being sucky to me is actually someone I care about. So I improve myself until I am untouchable without any conflict so I am never in the wrong and will never have to sever a relationship unless the person moves into serious offenses that warrant it. Like if you husband beats you get out of that relationship. But if its just someone trying to get under you skin with alot of little(non physical things) because maybe they are unhappy with their own life and can’t cope,but you are still close to them, then this might be the strategy for you.

It also works in general as a life strategy because there will be poeple in life who you ar’nt close with, maybe a stranger,who will try to get under your skin the one chance you meet them. If you have built yourself up emotionally then you will be able to handle this.

I feel like anyone who is around negative people seriously need to consider doing all of this strategy and then moving on to part 2 of the strategy. Once you are around more negative people then positive people it is easy for you to slip and start becoming more like them. Its so bad cause it can sneak up on you in moments of weakness and suddenly you could be converted from positive to negative. I think everyone all the time should be making sure to stay as positive as possible.

Keep as much positive shit around you at all times. Chat with people online and in person and read positive things, just do everything positive and you will start to build up an impenetrable fortress which is good for everyone.

Sleep is important, you might feel negative after taking a days worth of shit, but after a good night’s sleep you should bounce back, but don’t keep getting into negative situations or it will start getting harder to bounce back.

Partly inspired by all the rich Asian girls I see in my area that I am attracted to.

And partly inspired by the recession.

I had a thought. Instead of trying to make all this money to impress
the type of woman I find attractive, I should see the value I already have.
I should be thinking, do I really want to go off into the shadows to make
60k a year motivated only by being able to get girls. Or should I
do what I love, not slack off, but work hard, on somthing meaningful to me,

and hope people will pay me to keep doing it. Be as happy
as possible and if a women comes along that is willing to work with me
to build a life and a house ect, then that might be the better woman
for me. Or maybe it will be some good freinds that want to work with me and
get a good business going. This whole money thing will just
screw people up tho.

Its almost like you can have money or you can have everything else.
I mean this is the most pessimistic view because I’m taking under the assumption that you can’t make money doing what you love because poeple do those things for free. If this was the case which
it is not, the choices for me would be, either work a job I hate for half of my
waking life , plus an hour or two travel, and basically my life will suck
for the sake of meeting some gold digger who wants to lie back and take it.

or I choose to life the most positive life possible. Be healthy,
be social, do things I enjoy, and make a smaller amount of money
but with supportive people around me and maybe women as well. Just because
I don’t want to work a job that has no meaning to me does’nt mean I’m not willing to work.
It doesn’t mean I’m lethargic. its just commmon sense.

The people who say money is the only way are the people who didn’t know how
to do things the right way and gave up and thought money would buy them
happiness. It wont. Money isn’t important. Healthy lifestyle, healthy
relationships, healthy mind, body, diet, fitness, sleep. These are the
the important things.

So, if I give up on working jobs I hate, am I giving up on work?
am I getting stuck in a dead end job I hate?
no, I’m working a social and physically active job that pays hardly
anything but pays off in so many other ways, while I pursue
things I’m passionate about and living the most positive life
possible. And I’ll tell people what I am good at, what I am really good at,
not just trained to do, but good at cause of my passions and/or my hardships. and
if they need help in those areas, I will help them. They can refer me
to people I don’t know, but those people will have to pay me
by helping me somehow. If I meet people who want to start a business I am
interested in. I’ll take up the offer. And any woman who wants to get
with me better be on the same page or above or be interested in seeing
things from my point of view. Then we can talk about houses and cars,
and why we would need them. and then how we will work together to afford them.
this is the way it should be. No woman should want a guy who doesn’t
respect himself this much. No guy should want a woman who wants that
guy. This is not the cave man days. Women work now, and they also
have passion. Their work and their passion should be one and the same.

That makes me free from the rat race. Free from
the ignorant idea that money falls even close to what knowledge, courage,
passion, and healthy lifestyle can give.

I am liberated to live for the things that I should,
and to liberate others.