Beauty and self compassion

When I think about venturing out to see something beautiful
irl or in a video game, I often feel inspired to do so.

This inspiration is often short lived as memories pop up of
previous times when I ventured out to have such an experience.

I would go out and think, yeah this is what life is about.
Then…Someone would come along and make me feel like I was
lacking in some way, or ignore or down play my expression
of love for the experience. This made me feel… basically
like I wasn’t good enough to be where I was.

Basically like if you drive a super nice car and enjoy it. Then
someone comes along and says, it’s not even yours.

Someone downplaying the significance of you being happy.
It can sometimes make someone feel that they are lacking. Like
they aren’t powerful enough to be worthy of enjoying themselves.

Or like they are down playing the significance, the goodness of
me simply enjoying myself. Like it’s not important that I
enjoy myself.

There was so much favoritism back when I was in daycare and elementary
school, I often had my curiosity, enjoyment, and awe, subbed in
favor of someone else. Someone the guardians felt was more
important. So it was more important that that person enjoy
themselves, than me.

Unless I did something to become important.

Check this out. You find a really cool and beautiful place and
go there to hang out. Then you tell your friends about it and they
just say, oh that place, I’ve been there. Oh ok I guess it’s not
that important that I experienced then? No of course it still is,
obviously though, not to those guys.
Then what if one of them says, oh I was actually the first one to
discover the place, I showed everyone else.
Wow, then it’s like, the energy is taken from you and given to him
for he found it, almost like he invented it, like he owns it.
His pseudo ownership gives him all the significance of that
place in the eyes of others.
It almost becomes a part of his identity in the eyes of others.
But not part of yours(not that it mattered), and it becomes
completely insignificant that you experienced the place because
you don’t own it.
Realize that it doesn’t matter how many people have done something
before you, it is still significant that you do it, even if it
is somehow not significant to them that you enjoy yourself
(maybe they are not that cool).

Now I’m older I get it. They were in that scarcity mindset and
the whole system is based on scarcity and war. Well it’s up to
me to decide how important my enjoyment is.

And how important power is.

I live to enjoy, power is only important as it helps me enjoy.

Or I would be hanging out with some people and a song I love comes
on. Someone says, that’s so and so’s song. Well what about me.
I love the song, is that not important. That seems to be the jist
of it.

So someone else suddenly semi-owns the song and it becomes
significant to them and not me. As far as anyone else around me
at the time felt. Kinda makes me feel lousy.

well the 1st time I thought to play eve online I still have the
need for high self esteem. SO I thought about playing the game from
both views, love, and power. For this reason, I was presented with
the lack I would have going into the game, at least from the view
of the other players. I would go into the game being nothing
special. There might even be player constructed rules about
where I can go or who owns what. This would suck for self-esteem
if I wanted to play the game like it was where I belonged and
own my experience.

However I think a lot of this stemmed from the ego. Wanting to play
in a beautiful world as a significantly beautiful person in that world.
That is met be the resistance of all the other players who do not see
you as significant, and probably as lacking.

Either that or I just though about the possibility of having to share
the beautiful experience with someone who doesn’t like me and/or
has a bad attitude in general. Then not only could I be made to feel
lacking, they could just ruin the whole experience for me.
I think part of me wanted to make a rule that you had to be good to a
certain extend, maybe whatever it took so that I would respect the
person, I guess that would include them being a good person. Then
I would feel ok sharing something so beautiful with that person.
Cause in Eve online I wouldn’t be able to chose who will be in the
environment including who controls it. At least not when I first start
playing. So I set a standard of self worth needed to feel worthy of
the environment. I did this for other places too, not just(if even)
even online.
Any beautiful environment, I would look at it and say, one say, when
I am the shit, I can hang out here and no one can tell me shit.
I don’t have to own it, just be the shit so I can’t be made to feel
badly in any way.

Anyways, now I am done worrying about what others will think/do as
I set out to experience the beauty in life. I don’t need to earn
the right to experience beauty. No one does. If someone wants to
fight me over some small scrap of it they can have it, there is an
abundance, more than enough for all, including that yet to be created
but I don’t have to have created something to rightfully enjoy it.
It is significant just that I enjoy it. Significant to me. If me going
down this path helps others then it is significant for them too but
that is not very important, to me.

However, If I go into the game just to enjoy myself, and value my enjoyment
for itself and ignore any expressions of lack/insignificance of
someone else, I would thoroughly enjoy myself.

Not trying to be something “special” because I don’t need to, because
the world doesn’t need it, because there is no lack. If I am anything,
it will be a creator of what I want. I only have to be “special” as far as
it helps me do that.

If what I want includes helping or helps others, lucky for them.

There is no lack or insignificance in my enjoyment.


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